First thing first, let me introduce you to some facts about me. I was not always saved, I was not always a good girl and I was not always single. My last boyfriend was in high school my tenth grade year and it was not a relationship I ended on my own will. I had a guy that every girl wanted so when the Lord told me to break up with him I was not happy (even though I knew he was not a good match for me.) But before I spill on my current status, I'll explain how I got here (completely single for almost 10 years now)
I had my first little petty boyfriend in elementary (Benjamin Franklin) and from there it went on like a roller coaster. I became extremely desperate for attention and thirsty for hook ups. I was the girl on Myspace and Facebook who was sending little pokes and subliminal messages to guys, I would stir up conversations with them hoping it would go somewhere. The party line around midnight became a "fling" for me. I would get on the party line and talk to men for hours knowing I did not want anything serious with them. My ideal guys were ones with hood-street demeanor who wore Timberland's and was really attractive. I did not like christian men (In my opinion they were corny.) I was not used to guys being really nice to me or treating me like a lady hence why I dated randoms who demonstrated no love towards your girl.
I would love to tell you when I got saved and became a new born Christian that those thirsty urges went away, but it didn't. I was a lost girl searching for a whole man (when Jesus Christ was available to me). It seemed like everything I wanted in a man they couldn't give it to me. Sister, even afterwards, I was still broken (but I wasn't alone.) I was still emotionally involved with a lot of the guys from my past. It's only by the grace of God I am still pure because the Lord knows I am no angel and I've done some nasty things outside of not having sex. I allowed guys to touch me in places only future husband is suppose to touch me and I've sent images to guys in sexy outfits because I figured "I needed to keep them on me." *Sister NEVER send guys images of you, your body isn't for entertainment. *
My belief that the Lord wanted to heal me completely and make me whole came when my former bible study Pastor Bob expressed to me one night about an ex-boyfriend of mine ( I don't remember telling my Pastor I was seeing someone btw). He said these exact words I would never forget " that boy that you are with is going to bring fire in your life." Sis, I was afraid, but apparently not that afraid because we didn't break up on my account, he had to break up with me. I was too stubborn to let him go even though I knew the Lord wanted me and him to call it quits. I had the guy every girl wanted at that time, but we ended it. When the Lord tells you to do something it won't feel good at the moment, it won't make much sense at all, but he is protecting you from headaches, being cheated on, mistreated and etc, but we play catch up in the future after we are obedient to his instructions. A deep healing was necessary for me and so the Lord caused me to be hidden (meaning no one was checking for me or nothing worked no matter what) I was alone and this time I was really alone. No emotional foolishness just me and God. Was it tempting to get out of the surgery room and get me a man? YES! I had some crushes along the way, but we never made it far, God always warned me or cause it to be disturbed. Now I am going on nearly 9 years single. No boyfriend, no sex, no cuddle buddies or side pieces just me and Jesus. Does it get boring? yes it does, I was so used to my phone blowing up and getting attention that when it stopped it felt strange. However, I've learned a TON that changed my life. The way I see men are different my taste in men changed, I don't desire a guy that connects to my past pain (those cute rude demeanor guys were my fuel for insecurities.) I actually will be marrying a christian man in the future who will actually become my first Godly man (when God sends him my way.) I carry myself with confidence, awareness and respect because I know who I am and who I belong to. ( Proverbs 31: 15 She is more precious than rubies nothing you desire can compare with her.)
Nothing can compare to you and you need to know that. Those guys were doing what they knew to do. It was not their job to love me, but it was my job to love myself and I was only capable of loving a broken vessel once I encountered the love of Jesus Christ.
I hope you were encouraged. Share with a friend, leave me a comment, but more importantly be transformed,