“He does not want to commit to you, but he wants to do things that committed people do.” - Nancy F
Friends with benefits can be described as people who have sex without a romantic relationship or commitment. In other words, to define this would be two individuals who casually engage in acts like a couple such as kissing, touching, and other sexual things the list goes on and on….
I want to enlighten you why this is never a good idea to pursue friends with benefits. Somewhere down the line, someone is bound to get hurt. Emotions are guaranteed to be involved. You should know from the beginning of time you were not designed to be sampled like a car in a parking lot. In addition, you are not some shirt on a clearance rack that somebody tries on in the fitting room and after they have stretch it and worn it puts it back on the clothing rack. That is not you. You are precious and worth so much more. It is up to you to know this for yourself. Matthew 7:6 “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.”
If I had to paint another picture of friends with benefits it would appear something like this, two people who agreed to stray each other along knowing there is no real chance of forming something serious. It can also pass as cousins for situation-ships I will save that for another blog post.
Why do some people agree to have friends with benefits?
I believe one of the reasons why some men and women agree to be friends with benefits is for the simple fact there is NO TITLE. When there is no title involved, there is no room to dictate what the other individual do, no legitimate reason to ask couple like questions although this happens anyways and it sends a “safe” message. I am safe if I don’t get too involved just in case I get attach and nothing come out of it or safe in protecting one heart to not be emotionally hurt. While a few may agree to its advantages of having a companion and not being lonely on days and nights when it matters the most, nevertheless, we can also agree of the disadvantage when the time come for the two to separate.
Who is most likely to be affected by FWB males or females?
Exactly how long can a situation like friends with benefits continue until it becomes more than nothing….? According to males, females are more prone to being attached in this matter rather than guys this is because both women and men view sex from different levels. A guy can have sex without inserting his emotions, however, as women more than likely it’s a big deal for us because we are sensitive, we love hard and we are emotional beings this is not to say that guys are not, but we are more in tune with our emotions than they are we are more expressive. I want you to know what you are getting yourself into and the damage it can lead for your spiritual walk with God and your physical being. This can affect you spiritually in a result of unhealthy soul ties. Sex is a soul tie with another, so despite the "no claims" something is indeed lurking in the atmosphere. 1 Corinthians 6: 15-16 a biblical reference for an ungodly and non-healthy soul ties. My goal for you is to recognize this is not a “fun fling” as it may appear to be, time invested result in something more whether you choose to believe it or not.
A wise woman shared with me, when you are friends with benefits it is like strolling you along until the right person come. This is facts. The individual is not a serious inquiry rather just a for the moment client. This is what I emphasized in the beginning when I wrote "it's up to you to know this for yourself" why? Honestly, when you know you, you are cautious to what you get yourself into.
Sister, if you know yourself then make it your business to not set yourself up for failure. It is easier said than done, but God ultimate plan for you was and will never be for a guy to use you as an object. His word talks about how wonderful you are, how many great things if he has in store for you, and the sacrifice he made sending his son Jesus Christ to partake in his eternal glory. The cost was heavy, do not bargain yourself.
I hope you are encouraged and move by this topic to start analyzing the real you the true you.
Dear single sister,
I want you to know that some days being single will feel like a blessing and other days like a curse. I don’t want you to ever read my blogs and think “she’s talking from a whole different level than me when it comes to singleness” Sister no. I am encouraging you as I am encouraging me. How are you doing in your singleness? Has your perspective changed?
I would always think “well because I’ve messed up in my prior relationships that God must be punishing me by allowing me to stay single this long so let me just help him by being hard on myself too” I don’t know who voice I was listening to, but it was not the voice of God. Evidence that I picked up another mindest contrary to Jesus’s mindset is this verse of scripture 1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love cast out fear. For fear has to do with punishment and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. Boom! See? It’s a lie God was not punishing me for past mistakes, he was actually ordering my steps towards his unfailing love. To show me real love and not the love or attention I was looking for in those guys. I built a wall (without God telling me to do it) to imprison myself. Perhaps, that's you. You have been up and down from previous relationships and now being single not only look like punishment to you, but you want to imprison yourself. Get out of God’s way ok? He forgave you the moment you asked for forgiveness stop putting yourself back in chains.
“Nancy don’t be the reason why you are still single with this wall up. “ was a reminder I told myself when I came across a devotion from my “Woman thou art loosed” Bible. We often build walls up from tools of pain and we think the walls are keeping us safe, but they aren’t. Sis, may God break down those ten thousand weight in walls of yours with his divine touch.
Don’t be that “paranoid single girl” either. Not every man that approaches you want something from you. I know this is not easy to comprehend, but it’s true. The enemy and our flesh has tagged team together to torment us in every way possible, sadly we fall for the show very so often. This is a sickened mindset to have. I was this way for a very long time. This isn’t a woman of God mindset. Some people see the light in you, some people want to simply be your friend and some are just being nice, nothing more and nothing less. Blame your past for this disturbing mindset and change your perspective. Every “excuse me” is not an invitation to be your boyfriend. Ephesians 4:23-24 Have a new mind and heart. Be a new person. That person has been made like God. He does what is right and holy because he knows the truth.
Lastly single sister, I want you to know this important factor. Your story will NOT be like anybody else story. Stop assuming you will meet a guy and boom boom you become his wife. (PLEASE NOTE: God can do A N Y T H I N G okay?) But let’s get this idea that just because one of our sisters in Christ or a beloved one met their man a certain we too will meet ours that way. Throw the whole mindset away. Issa lie.
You will have a unique story. It’s totally fine to see a paired couple and admire them, but honey wait for your own thing. You may meet your ideal man online, book store, at an event or wherever else, but my whole point is this; it won’t look like someone else avenue and even if it’s similar don’t expect the same exact formula.
You’ve reached the end of my note. I hope you can relate to this and stand the course. Singleness is what you make it. You aren’t waiting on God, he is waiting on you. Get it together, get in tune with him and get out of his way.
From another single sister
Back then there was a time when I would blast Taylor Swift’s album around the house with my friends. It was one of our faves. There was a song on the album titled “fifteen.” In the song, Taylor says in one her verses “and when you’re fifteen don’t forget to look before you fall…. Rarely do we look before falling. We fall for advertisement on T.V, we fall for the presentation the store associates gives us when we walk in to make us feel like we need what they are selling. We fall for the deals at our favorite makeup stores, retail, restaurants and black friday deals. The 50% sign makes us feel like we instantly need it, but really we can wait a little longer for it or if we’re honest, it’s not a need. In the same way, we fall for certain guys too girlie. We fall for the way they dress (if you are attracted to a man who dress well) and we fall for their facial features, but we never stop and pause to think about their character.
This guy and I fell into a little “fling.” A fling is what I would describe as something cute, but not really right. We would hang out and go places together, but truth be told in the eyes of the Lord it wasn’t pure. See, something can feel good, but is it good? Someone can make you feel like the butterflies in your stomach are singing notes and keys, but when the music stops was it worth it?
Here are some questions I want you to ask yourself before falling or if you already fell. #1 ask yourself “Self? Does God have you?” this is important to ask because you want to make sure the Lord has you before anyone can or attempt to have you. Giving God all of you is a safe zone. (disclaimer: I am not writing this as someone who looks forward to giving God all of me all the time. This is not always a “hallelujah” moment. There are days when I don’t feel like being vulnerable or talk about things that will open me up.) However, doing this will build your faith in Jesus and your relationship with him. I urge you to see if the Lord has you or if your relationship with him is like the wind it tosses and turn from different directions.
#2, Ask yourself what role will this person play in your life/is playing in your life? Why is this important? Well, anyone that comes in your life has an assignment or motive and it’s up to you to find out what it is. Are you hanging out with a guy to satisfy your emotions? Are you feeding a void? Will this guy help you accomplish spiritual maturity? Is he there for fun when you’re lonely? Are you with him to get over the single life? Did God approve of him? I wish I asked myself some of these questions before getting involved with someone, I would have save myself not only from disappointments, but from heartbreaks. We have to apply wisdom and not simply move on the behalf of what our hearts want because sometimes our heart can deceive us. James 1:5 If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God who gives to all liberally and without reproach and it will be given to him. Sis, you must ask, don’t just expect wisdom. It is something you must seek after God for.
#3 Are you at peace? Most times, we ignore the warning signs from the beginning and just assume things will change later on, but if peace is not on the scene then something is wrong. Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. We serve a God of peace so if talking to a young man or being with someone makes you more anxious than at ease then Houston, we have a problem! I share with you in my first blog how I always had a different dude I was talking to, it was really bad. I went on a date with a guy to a nice restaurant and I had no peace about it. He was a well-known guy with flashy stuff that made girls go nuts, but sitting there with him cutting my shrimp and steak, my spirit signaled me that he wasn’t “the one”. He was nice yes, looked nice yes and had the money yes, but he did not have what I prayed for in a man. Only God knows what I truly desire and need. I wish I listened to the peace within because I found out later on with his actions that we were not a match. If this is you, then listen to the voice that is tugging at you. I know we like to hear a loud thunder voice give us instructions, but we need to listen to the soft whisper as well.
#4 Examine yourself and say truthfully, what would your leaders or mentor say? If you are somebody who don’t like people all in your “business” then you run the risk of receiving wise counsel. I am not saying to grab everyone from the block and tell them your business, moreover I am indicating you find a trusted source among your church or family and tell them to get their point of view. Most people do not do this because after hearing instructions you are held responsible. You either take the instructions or you flush it down the toilet. I am bless to have sisters in the Lord/mentor that won’t sugar coat anything with me. She told me the truth even if it meant tears were strolling down my face. One time, I expressed my feelings to her about a particular guy and she gave me some things to think about. She gave me some questions to ask him and what to look out for, was it fun hearing those things? Heck no. It’s never fun hearing someone you’ve already fallen for is not a match-made for you or hearing the words “be careful.” The bible talks about taking heed to counsel and what it can do for you. Proverbs 11:14 Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety. Proverbs 12:15 The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice. Lastly, Proverbs 19:20 Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future.
I will be the first to admit, I did not always take true the words I was given. I sometimes sat in the presence of wisdom and turn around and did the same foolishness I was told not to do. I paid for it in the end, I needed to renew my mind a lot. If it was so bad, I fasted. But you sister, you can choose to do this the right way. I am in no way or form saying you won’t make mistake, but if you can prevent making errors by asking yourself these very questions then you won’t need to stay up late night crying to a love song, being mad when you see that guy or walking with regrets. I would love to hear what your personal experiences were and if this blog was helpful to you in any way. Leave me a comment, subscribe to find out when I drop a new post and most importantly stay near Jesus and be encourage.
First thing first, let me introduce you to some facts about me. I was not always saved, I was not always a good girl and I was not always single. My last boyfriend was in high school my tenth grade year and it was not a relationship I ended on my own will. I had a guy that every girl wanted so when the Lord told me to break up with him I was not happy (even though I knew he was not a good match for me.) But before I spill on my current status, I'll explain how I got here (completely single for almost 10 years now)
I had my first little petty boyfriend in elementary (Benjamin Franklin) and from there it went on like a roller coaster. I became extremely desperate for attention and thirsty for hook ups. I was the girl on Myspace and Facebook who was sending little pokes and subliminal messages to guys, I would stir up conversations with them hoping it would go somewhere. The party line around midnight became a "fling" for me. I would get on the party line and talk to men for hours knowing I did not want anything serious with them. My ideal guys were ones with hood-street demeanor who wore Timberland's and was really attractive. I did not like christian men (In my opinion they were corny.) I was not used to guys being really nice to me or treating me like a lady hence why I dated randoms who demonstrated no love towards your girl.
I would love to tell you when I got saved and became a new born Christian that those thirsty urges went away, but it didn't. I was a lost girl searching for a whole man (when Jesus Christ was available to me). It seemed like everything I wanted in a man they couldn't give it to me. Sister, even afterwards, I was still broken (but I wasn't alone.) I was still emotionally involved with a lot of the guys from my past. It's only by the grace of God I am still pure because the Lord knows I am no angel and I've done some nasty things outside of not having sex. I allowed guys to touch me in places only future husband is suppose to touch me and I've sent images to guys in sexy outfits because I figured "I needed to keep them on me." *Sister NEVER send guys images of you, your body isn't for entertainment. *
My belief that the Lord wanted to heal me completely and make me whole came when my former bible study Pastor Bob expressed to me one night about an ex-boyfriend of mine ( I don't remember telling my Pastor I was seeing someone btw). He said these exact words I would never forget " that boy that you are with is going to bring fire in your life." Sis, I was afraid, but apparently not that afraid because we didn't break up on my account, he had to break up with me. I was too stubborn to let him go even though I knew the Lord wanted me and him to call it quits. I had the guy every girl wanted at that time, but we ended it. When the Lord tells you to do something it won't feel good at the moment, it won't make much sense at all, but he is protecting you from headaches, being cheated on, mistreated and etc, but we play catch up in the future after we are obedient to his instructions. A deep healing was necessary for me and so the Lord caused me to be hidden (meaning no one was checking for me or nothing worked no matter what) I was alone and this time I was really alone. No emotional foolishness just me and God. Was it tempting to get out of the surgery room and get me a man? YES! I had some crushes along the way, but we never made it far, God always warned me or cause it to be disturbed. Now I am going on nearly 9 years single. No boyfriend, no sex, no cuddle buddies or side pieces just me and Jesus. Does it get boring? yes it does, I was so used to my phone blowing up and getting attention that when it stopped it felt strange. However, I've learned a TON that changed my life. The way I see men are different my taste in men changed, I don't desire a guy that connects to my past pain (those cute rude demeanor guys were my fuel for insecurities.) I actually will be marrying a christian man in the future who will actually become my first Godly man (when God sends him my way.) I carry myself with confidence, awareness and respect because I know who I am and who I belong to. ( Proverbs 31: 15 She is more precious than rubies nothing you desire can compare with her.)
Nothing can compare to you and you need to know that. Those guys were doing what they knew to do. It was not their job to love me, but it was my job to love myself and I was only capable of loving a broken vessel once I encountered the love of Jesus Christ.
I hope you were encouraged. Share with a friend, leave me a comment, but more importantly be transformed,