Dear single sister,
I want you to know that some days being single will feel like a blessing and other days like a curse. I don’t want you to ever read my blogs and think “she’s talking from a whole different level than me when it comes to singleness” Sister no. I am encouraging you as I am encouraging me. How are you doing in your singleness? Has your perspective changed?
I would always think “well because I’ve messed up in my prior relationships that God must be punishing me by allowing me to stay single this long so let me just help him by being hard on myself too” I don’t know who voice I was listening to, but it was not the voice of God. Evidence that I picked up another mindest contrary to Jesus’s mindset is this verse of scripture 1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love cast out fear. For fear has to do with punishment and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. Boom! See? It’s a lie God was not punishing me for past mistakes, he was actually ordering my steps towards his unfailing love. To show me real love and not the love or attention I was looking for in those guys. I built a wall (without God telling me to do it) to imprison myself. Perhaps, that's you. You have been up and down from previous relationships and now being single not only look like punishment to you, but you want to imprison yourself. Get out of God’s way ok? He forgave you the moment you asked for forgiveness stop putting yourself back in chains.
“Nancy don’t be the reason why you are still single with this wall up. “ was a reminder I told myself when I came across a devotion from my “Woman thou art loosed” Bible. We often build walls up from tools of pain and we think the walls are keeping us safe, but they aren’t. Sis, may God break down those ten thousand weight in walls of yours with his divine touch.
Don’t be that “paranoid single girl” either. Not every man that approaches you want something from you. I know this is not easy to comprehend, but it’s true. The enemy and our flesh has tagged team together to torment us in every way possible, sadly we fall for the show very so often. This is a sickened mindset to have. I was this way for a very long time. This isn’t a woman of God mindset. Some people see the light in you, some people want to simply be your friend and some are just being nice, nothing more and nothing less. Blame your past for this disturbing mindset and change your perspective. Every “excuse me” is not an invitation to be your boyfriend. Ephesians 4:23-24 Have a new mind and heart. Be a new person. That person has been made like God. He does what is right and holy because he knows the truth.
Lastly single sister, I want you to know this important factor. Your story will NOT be like anybody else story. Stop assuming you will meet a guy and boom boom you become his wife. (PLEASE NOTE: God can do A N Y T H I N G okay?) But let’s get this idea that just because one of our sisters in Christ or a beloved one met their man a certain we too will meet ours that way. Throw the whole mindset away. Issa lie.
You will have a unique story. It’s totally fine to see a paired couple and admire them, but honey wait for your own thing. You may meet your ideal man online, book store, at an event or wherever else, but my whole point is this; it won’t look like someone else avenue and even if it’s similar don’t expect the same exact formula.
You’ve reached the end of my note. I hope you can relate to this and stand the course. Singleness is what you make it. You aren’t waiting on God, he is waiting on you. Get it together, get in tune with him and get out of his way.
From another single sister
“Mezanmi manman pale anpil, li toujou fache!” said James in creole. Translation “Oh my goodness, my mom talk a lot she is always mad!” Rebecca replied in the same language “Wi li pa janm tande sa map di li toujou dim se timoun ou ye” translation “Yes, she never listens to anything I try to tell her she always says I’m just a kid.”
Do these lines above sound familiar? Can we raise our hand if we ever tried to speak to our Caribbean- Haitian parents and it never got us anywhere? I want you to know you are not alone and there’s an army of Haitian teens who feel the same way. But why though? Why is it that our parents have issues understanding us? If anyone supposed to know us it should be them right?
I’m from Haiti. I am not mixed with anything which makes me 100% Haitian. Yes, I am a U.S citizen, but my home is St. Louis Du Nord, Haiti. I am familiar with the Haitian characteristics because both of my parents are from Haiti. I want to admit although my parents are not like most Haitian parents, they too have some traits that are at times annoying. Who else can relate? It can become very frustrating trying to get your point across. Sometimes, they assume what we have to say is not important. In their opinion, we are and always will be a child (does not matter what age you reach or the status of your life you will always be addressed as their child.) This is not a bad thing and we are not denying the truth that we are indeed their seeds for life, however it would not hurt to be given the freedom to express our emotions without hearing a threat or a funky phrase. Here are some of the reasons why our Haitian parents have a hard time understanding us sometimes in hopes this will help you to have more patience and compassion for them.
1. They cannot give us what they never received growing up. I know because they are our parents we expect for them to have all the answers, but honestly they don’t. I am not making excuses to justify this matter, I am simply shedding light to it. Most of our parents can agree to this. Some of them for example, my mom who left her mother house in her early twenties to start a whole family, she expressed to me when I was sixteen years old that her mom never had certain conversations with her because her mom was so strict. Sister, you have to know that your parents are doing what they know to do and they cannot pour into us what someone did not pour into them. Some of them grew up without a father or mother to guide them and this is why it's not easy for them to understand us especially if they did not comprehend themselves growing up.
2. Some of our parents are still carrying the “living in Haiti” mindset. This can become a barrier when we desire to speak to them or build a relationship because they are still living in the “old times” in their minds. How many scenarios you encountered with your mom or dad when in the midst of talking they said things like “Well when I was in Haiti….” not realizing that we are no longer in Haiti. Things has changed! Do our parents get this concept? NO. Do they want to accept it? NO. But this is reality and it’s going to take more than us being mad at them to change it.
3. Our parents have a hard time understanding us because they don’t think what we have to say matters. I want you to place yourself in this image that I am about to paint in your mind. When someone is speaking to you or to a crowd about a particular topic you do not agree with do you fight in your feelings and emotions to try and understand them in the moment? Or do you find it hard to agree with them because truthfully you don’t care about what they have to say? In the same way this is our parents. When they don’t think what we have to say matters, they mentally shut us down.
4. Our parents are too busy! After a long day at school or university we just want someone to talk to and release our day too, but sis again, that is not always reality. If it’s not church activities, work, going to a friend house, talking to someone on the phone, watching a movie, praying, or church conference we cannot get their attention. I am in no way denouncing church because I believe in God and I also believe in spending time in his tabernacle, but our Haitian parents can get carried away with church and other places mentioned.
I wrote this blog to help you have a better understanding to why Haitian our parents are the way they are because if know why someone behave the way they do then your chances of finding ways to approach them differently will be more than less. Can things change? Absolutely. It may look like a never-ending cycle, but that is not the case with God he is the God of the impossible. The bible says in Mark 10:27 Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.” Please, don’t give up on your parents. I know it’s tempting to do so, but if you have not already have a little more patience with them, they really need it. Now, I have an assignment for you to complete. I Know it’s easier to talk about how terrible our Haitian parents can act sometimes, but I want you to put in more effort this week to observe them and if there is something you can do, to make them at least smile, do it.
Let me know if this helps you? I want to hear from you. My Instagram page is nancyfleuridor and my twitter as well. Feel free to reach out to me, leave me a comment, share with a friend and as always,
Sister, grab a seat or a tea and let me spill (I’ll make this as short as possible.) on how I struggled for years concerning insecurities and what changed for me?! I hope you are reading this with an open mind and a willing heart to put in the work it is going to take to become confident.
How it started…...
I’ll like to say my low- self esteem started because I was told first by my family members “you are so skinny” and “you need to eat” those words hurt me so much and made me hide under a shell each time. Friends of the family would come over and give me nicknames that I would awkwardly smile to. I remember living with my childhood friends and telling them I did not like my body. I would eat way more than my body could consume and I would take pills to make me look bigger not because I had a personal goal in mind, but simply due to the tiredness of hearing how I looked from other people’s point of view.
MISTAKE #1 When you see yourself from other people’s point of view you take on their mind and begin to say what they say about you to yourself. So if someone says you are so skinny or so fat you agree with them by looking at yourself in the same manner. This is just like the voice of the enemy when satan whispers lies in your ear such as “you are not smart enough to do that” or “ it will always be this way for you” you agree with him when you start repeating it as we
Things were so bad that by the time I made it to middle school I was wearing oversize clothes to hide my shape so I would not be the center of attention. My teachers would openly during class time make little remarks about me, ask me if something was wrong with me or why don’t I eat? This made me feel defensive and truthfully I was ready to snap back when people came for me. (fact: I was not always saved plus your girl did not grow up from the church so my mouth was spicy like a sailor captain!)
MISTAKE #2 Having no confidence made me defensive and caused me to get out of character. Transparent moment: I would curse people out when they uttered the “skinny girl” jokes at me. Sister, who are you giving power to? Who have the keys to your emotions? Are you getting out of character like I did for people who does not see nor understand that God created you how he designed you to be? I made those mistakes and I want to encourage you to not do the same.
Guys who like me, pretended to like me or were simply jerks at the time would pick on me. At this point, I was questioning God like “Why did you make me so slim knowing people would talk about me?” I did not like my legs, I did not like taking full body pictures, I did not enjoy wearing stuff that showed my arms and I thought “well the cool girls are the ones with a shapely body.” I went so far in my mind to believe maybe if I was having sex I would gain some weight, this was misleading information and not the case for everyone. (please don’t try this if you were thinking of doing it. Save your precious body.)
HUGE MISTAKE #3 Thank God he didn’t let me fall into the lies of the enemy. I didn’t need to do what most of my surroundings were doing at the time to “gain” approval. I want you to also know that the man God has for you will love you if you are a size 2 or a size 12. No man who truly treasure you will say things to purposely bring you down. Also, one of the most silly mistakes you can make is to dim your beauty for the sake of other people. God is not embarrassed by you, he created you in his image and likeness. -----------> read about it (Genesis 1:26)
Concrete confidence arrived when I was in P.E one day and my female coach told me something I would never forget, she said “Nancy, God makes no mistake.” The words sounded like a melody I have never heard before. They were simple words, but a necessary phrase! I began believing those words about myself. I started to read God’s word (I was not saved at the time so I put this into practice over time when I encountered Jesus Christ the son of God through bible study and church) I would look at myself in the mirror and express out loud “you are beautiful” I did this until it became natural for me. See, you have to believe what God says about you or else you won’t believe when others compliment you. Everyone did not pick on me, but the negative comments outweighed the positive ones. I wrote in the beginning that it is going to take some work before you can go from insecurity to confidence, but it is a rewarding work. No, you cannot only pray low self esteem away you must put some actions behind it. Begin to speak well of yourself with the help of the bible (I would recommend a translation you can understand when reading it). Read psalm 139, Genesis 1 the whole chapter, talk to positive individuals you can trust that will lift you up when you are feeling down, write positive notes to yourself and last but not least ask Jesus Christ “help me to see me the way you see me” so he can shift your eyesight.
P. S I now love my body and I appreciate everything about myself. I walk with no shame because I know who I belong to and he is a King so that makes me royalty. I compliment myself before others get the opportunity to compliment me why? Because I vow to never give anyone else that kind of power over me. Take your keys back sister.
Leave me a comment and let me know if this help you. Are you going through this now? Don’t be ashamed. I know this will be behind you soon. Talk to you later.